Search

What No One Told You About Motherhood... And What Every Mother Needs to Know

Ariana Stadtlander
Jan 4, 2019
3 min read

“You'll be exhausted,” they'd all say in an effort to prepare me for motherhood. My pregnant self just thought they were referring to the sleep deprivation that comes from having a newborn; but, as it turns out, my baby has been a great sleeper from day one. Yet, what I've noticed is that I still feel exhausted – it's not physical like I expected, but it's mental. I feel mentally exhausted. All the time. It took me the first few weeks of my daughter's life to figure out why, and the truth is that it's exhausting to be at the beck and call of a tiny little human being 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This truth took me so aback. I mean, I knew that my life wasn't going to be my own anymore – that a baby was going to test me and my selflessness in more ways than I could count – but I didn't really know until I was in the thick of it. Within the first week of her life, I was anxiously looking for a couple of Lili-free hours to take a breath and recharge. By the end of her second week, Kevin and I were already dropping her off at my parents so we could go for a drive and grab a bite to eat in peace. I felt awful. I felt so deflated and so discouraged with myself. All I could think of were the countless times experienced mothers had come up to me and told me how long it had taken them to get to the point where they could leave their babies with someone else. For some, it was months, and for others, it was years. I never heard of it being only a few weeks. The guilt ate at me.

Ten weeks later, it still does. I still feel guilty every time I drop Lilith off with either of her very willing grandmothers so that Kevin and I can go out on a date or run a few errands. I feel guilty because during the day I am anxiously waiting for my husband to get home because I know he'll take Lili for an hour or two while I cook dinner and do the dishes. Surely, this attitude must be wrong, right? According to so many mothers, I should just want to be around my baby all the time. I shouldn't want to walk away and leave her in the hands of someone else....Right?

I'm going to tell all of you who might be struggling with this something that I know in my heart is the truth but that I'm still working very hard to believe: it's okay. It's okay to want that break, to need that recharge. It doesn't mean you love your child any less because of it. It doesn't mean you're any more selfish or any less maternal. It means your human. It means I'm human. And in fact, the best thing you can do for your baby is to take that break if you need it. You'll be better for it, and your baby will flourish if you're flourishing.

I've come to know that I need a night a week where I leave Lili with my very capable husband to drive eleven minutes to our local grocery store and just wander the aisles. In that time, I'm not thinking about our daughter, and I'm not worried about her. I'm just concentrating on a task other than taking care of her. Just the hour I spend away from my baby helps me to become refocused. I walk back through the door of my home feeling like a human again, instead of just a constant food-source and diaper-changer. And when I do, I find that I actually miss my daughter and can't wait to see her again.

Of course, there will be days and weeks where taking that break really isn't an option; but when it is, we should seize it. We should take advantage of all the help that we can get and not feel guilty because we need some time to ourselves away from our children. It doesn't make us bad mothers because we recognize we need a break. The mothers who can't bear to be away from their babies don't love their children any more than you do. We're all just different, and all of us can only take so much before we need a break. To know when you need that break and to have the strength to take it makes you a good mom. Because, ultimately, in that choice you're putting your baby before yourself. Not the other way around.

Don't miss the next installment from